Uptown Rantz

Don't Wanna Be No Uptown Fool

Minneapolis, Heather Brown and Cheesecake

Opening the Liquor Lyle’s door and it’s an evening I don’t mind the walk home…past the smoker hipsters and the pudgy asshole bouncer who thinks a tight Under Armour shirt makes him look like Marky Mark in the Calvin Klein ads circa 1992 (Not. Even. Close. Bud!).  Man-boobs ain’t pecs.

Walking down Hennepin Avenue tonight makes me feel slightly guilty about ever wanting to leave this place – not just Uptown, but Minneapolis entirely.  It’s crossed my mind many times in years past…usually around February when I’m mentally prepping for SXSW and my mistress, Austin.

Oh yes, Minneapolis, you’ve embarrassed me in the past by still trying to hang your hat of relevancy on Purple Rain.  Whatever became of Wendy and Lisa?  They should at least have a gig as talking-heads on a VH1 I Love the 80’s marathon.  Courtney Love briefly called you home in the 90’s, but they wrote better songs and dressed cooler in the northwest…Bunyan wore flannel before Cobain.  You’ve had some flashes of your glory days, but American Headcharge faded when nu-metal did.  Motion City Soundtrack is rightfully called Motion Shitty Soundtrack.  And The Hold Steady’s remarkable debut was a concept album about you, but they’ve since re-located to New York where they now get drunk with The Strokes in the Bowery District.

But I see WCCO’s Heather Brown and I think that there’s still hope for you.  That and the fact that Kowalski’s on Hennepin is 24 hours, which allows me to savor this cheesecake slice.

For now, I’ll toss the empty Coors tallboy in the trash because I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and be reminded that I finished my last beer at 2:59 a.m.  I insert the lime-green earplugs because the window air conditioner is bellowing three feet from my bed.  I’ll be in my cube in six hours.


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