Uptown Rantz

Don't Wanna Be No Uptown Fool

Suburban Rantz and a Loose Tag Heuer Watch

Jessica is in Montreal for a few days at a work conference. I’m staying at her place because someone has to feed her dog and it’s good to get away from Uptown and the noisy #6.

When you spend all your waking hours with someone and are suddenly away from them for even a little while, you notice small details for the first time. Like the bed is really fuckin’ huge and I don’t sleep on her side even though it’s empty.  Or that when I make coffee it tastes completely awful, which is why Jessica makes it as part of our morning routine. And the bracelet band of my Tag Heuer makes way too much noise. Every time I move my arm even slightly, the links make a rattling noise that reminds me of the din of Slash’s bracelets in every interview I’ve ever seen of him.  That din, a rocks glass of whiskey and a waft of cigarette smoke are his constant companions.  Anyway, my din started annoying the fuck outta me after about an hour. I can’t believe Jessica never noticed it.

Jessica suggested I use the time to call some of my friends that she says I now ignore.  She doesn’t know that they started ignoring me a long time ago when they got wives, lovers, better halves, etc.  So I don’t even get the satisfaction of them knowing that I am now ignoring them. I have one of my guitars here, so last night was riffing and drinking a sixer of Heineken Light cans – the ones that look like Red Bull cans. I drifted off to sleep (passed out) listening to Jessica’s New Order playlist – “True Faith” is the last thing I remember hearing.

I woke up today, actually I must’ve moved my arm because my watch band brought me out of my REM cycle. It sounds like there’s a rattle snake around my wrist. I hop into Jessica’s car for a trip to Macy’s.  My cell phone rings and Jessica’s blue eyes are in the caller i.d. window.

“Hey hun, how’s Montreal?” (I really miss you, and is there anyway you can come home sooner?)

“Montreal’s fine, where are you?”

“I’m in the car (your car) on the way to Macy’s to have some links removed from my watch… so it won’t rattle so much.”

“Oh, yeah, so it won’t make so much noise.  I always wondered when you would do that.”

Pause.

“Anyway, I’ve been catching up on a lot of things the past few days while you’ve been in Montreal.  Working, writing (haven’t done either, not even close).

“Good, good. I emailed you my flight info so you know when to pick me up. Why don’t you go down to the bar tonight. The last time you took me there, they all said they never see you around anymore.”

“I might (I will) later on.”

“Our cab just pulled up to the convention center, so I have to go. I’ll call you again tonight. And don’t play your guitar too loudly when it’s late. Mrs. McDonald in the next condo told me last month that she can hear that”

“It wasn’t a problem last night (old McDonald called the land line at 2:05am according to the caller i.d.). I’ll talk to you tonight. Love ya (love you)”

“Love ya too.”

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