Uptown Rantz

Don't Wanna Be No Uptown Fool

Brazilians in Uptown

The Brazilians – Oh, we know a little about y’all.  You’ve lived as renters in the same house for over 10 years.  Renting for that long either speaks to your seemingly lack of gainful employment, or maybe you just like that house that much.  How are you always home?

There’s been a rotating cast of inhabitants in your house over the years.  The only constant being the short, skinny guy whose dreads make him look like Predator.  You’ve pissed off numerous neighbors with early morning bongo drums, late night parties and your belief that the entire street wants to hear your Caribbean-inspired music.  You give us no choice but to call the Minneapolis Police dispatcher.  Remember that time when the squad car pulled-up to your party and your entire front yard of guests took off running in all directions?  Fuckin’ hilarious!   And that time you decided to try and mow your lawn with a noisy-ass weedwacker?  Don’t ever do that again.

You all stand in the front yard and cat-call the pretty Uptown girls that park on the street and walk to Drink and Stella’s.  I feel compelled to tell you that American women are not attracted to skinny men with rancid body odor…unless the woman in question is named Audrina Patridge, but you’re all old enough to be her constantly-high dad.

The suburbanites that brunch in Uptown on weekends think you’re unique and a part of Uptown’s character.  But if you moved next to them in Eden Prairie it would be a case of white-flight the likes this city hasn’t seen since the Jews fled North Minneapolis.

Relax, no one wants to run you out of Uptown.  But if you decide to leave on your own, no one is stopping you either.

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